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Original date: 6-22-2005

The pen of an angry sinner is what I hold in my hand. Filled with both shame and pride I plummet to my end. I'm not afraid of my demise, I rush towards it with youthful joy. I wish I could see the smiles at my funeral. I wish I could feel the warm embraces, the joyful exchanges of my death. Drop my body in a casket or burn its damned existence. Crown my infernal existence and spurn my hate filled corpse. The mists of the afterlife cloud my vision. In one eye I can see the past, in the other, the present. It feels like I'm living a bad dream that I can't wake up from. Someone please wake me...make me feel something real. There's a white noise that constantly pounds my ears. It breaks my soul, keeps me locked down. With a halo of razor wire and shredded wings, I'll come to her in a dream. I'll hold her hand and ask her to come with me. We can run away, we can be happy. She'll always say "no." She'll stay with her family and friends, her light will fade from me once again. To keep her happy, I'll stay away. I love her and want her to be happy. Her happiness is my demise. I'll fall into the blackness of death for her. I'll do anything for her. One eye that sees the past. One eye that sees the present. It's all just a dream...What happens when you find what you were looking for? When you're at your happiest? You find that it isn't what you wanted at all, at least I did. Something I sacrificed so much for and pushed so hard to achieve. Oh well, some things just don't work in the end. I came to realize, though, that while the end result may be of great importance, it pales in comparison to the experience. This is something that everyone knows.  But what happens when the experience is more damaging than helpful? Would you erase the memory if you could? Could you erase the heartache? Or just the reason why? There are many things I regret, but there are more I wish I couldn't remember. I would have a spotless mind, nothing that would slow me down. Mentally, I would be perfect, in an odd perspective. But I'm sure I would carry all the guilt and pain, and without knowing why, it might be easier to carry. I wish I was a better person, that I could take it all away.My question to you is...would you take it all back? Do you regret this and all that has happened? These are stupid questions from an ignorant person, but I want to know. So I had to ask...

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