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My wasted potential

I write about video games.  I write reviews which I hope are objective and a pleasure to read at the same time.  I have received a few compliments about my style of writing.  I take great pride in this.  I strive to gain more attention and praise.

My father left when I was 10.  His new wife doesn't allow me in their house.  I'm not certain that he is even aware of this.  He sends me a check for $25 on my birthday.  I sign them over to my girlfriend.  I haven't spoken to my father in a number of years.  I can't remember the last thing we talked about.

My mother and I haven't spoken since September.  I remember when she called me a waste of life and talent.  She said it to my face and instantly regretted it.  She wasn't wrong though.  She worked hard to give me everything she did.  I have squandered my life and wasted every opportunity.

My girlfriend secretly despises me because I lack desire to find regular work.  My last failure was due to missing a day of work after four days to go to an interview with another company.  In my eyes, it wasn't a loss as I was a worker bee making parts for cars.  I took no joy in the job that would have paid the bills.  I live as a failure who can't support the ones closest to me.  I am embracing the crushing reality that I am not special.

I went to college for two years and majored in graphic design.  I did not graduate.  I have only designed one logo since then and been paid for it.  Since school, I have drifted through life.  I have never been sure of what I wanted to do.  I feel as though I want to write, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I am too stupid to please a broad audience.  I was published once in college.  I have yet to see any success in the real world.

I am socially inept.  My flaws are obvious.  I cannot keep friends as I have a tendency to push them away over stupid things like religion.  I have since become an Atheist.  Only a handful of people know this as I am terrified of rejection.  Most people view me as an asshole.  I tend to agree.  It's a wonder I ever got laid.

I should be afraid to post this on the internet, where it will forever be out of my reach once published.  But even as I type it, it is too late.  This has already been stored in Google's servers and will remain there for an indefinite amount of time.  I am a failure.  Both as a person and as a worker bee.

I am 50 pounds overweight.  I am technically obese, though you would never know it looking at me.  I was an avid runner for a decade.  I stopped in college and have since become a fatass.  I have a fitness schedule that I ignore.  Every so often, I run or do push ups.  It makes me feel better for a few minutes.

I have goals.  I want a nice house.  I want to provide for my girlfriend and her children.  I want to be a successful writer.  I want to ensure that I never pass on my genetic material.  At least her children don't have to feel the shame of calling me "father".  I would never wish that on them.

I have realized that I am not special.  Once I break my gaze from the stars, I can grind my nose to the ground.  As a worker bee, I can provide.  I will gain no self satisfaction, but I will be a contributing member of society.

This is as honest as I've ever been and I'm still lying.  When was the last time you've told the whole truth?  Do you find yourself like me?  Lying for no reason and then asking "Why did I say that?"? No, I imagine you're all successful individuals who have obtained all you want in life.  You do this because you have discipline and motivation.  You have not squandered the opportunities I have.  You are not a terrible person like I am.

I will never be famous.  I will struggle only to be mediocre.
I am my own wasted potential.

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