Showing posts from 2008

Tears for a dream of the lost.

I had the strangest dream last night. It scared me and hurt me more than most anything that has occurred in my life. Through my work, I had become crippled. My back was broken and I could no longer walk. I was in need of a wheelchair, yet I never had one, I simply dragged my limp limbs behind me. In this dream's reality, my grandmother had passed away years ago and my father had taken care of her house. He had also passed on, and I was left the house in the will. This was a home I had grown up in and had many fond memories of, yet it felt like a tomb. My grandmother's three parrots still lived there, as did two kittens, one which was black and a calico who had also lost the use of his hind legs. Something had happened between Kim and I, we were no longer speaking, hence my moving to the house in Illinois. I was sitting, propped up against a tree in the front yard I had climbed hundreds of times, yet I would never ascend again. I was looking at a gray cloudy sky, and

Transient thoughts

It seems that everyone is in a downward spiral of emotion and spirit. I can't listen to the radio anymore, everything is too depressing and I can't understand half of it anyways. Why can't we find that peace so desperately needed? When did we slide into this mode of mourning ourselves and sulking life away? Maybe the Mayans were right, maybe the world will end in 2012, that should end all this pointless nonsense. Depression can serve a pupose, it can bring out the best in us, showing our true selves. It can inspire great works of art. It can make your realize the value of life. We're children whom wish for the dark but are undeserving of the gifts it can bring. We've lost sight of the light which grants that serenity so desperately need. There's too many broken and empty hearts out there, in need of love and guidance. It's time we made something of our lives. It's time to leave a legacy for our future to remember us by. This is a rallying cr

Where have I been?

I have no idea myself. It seems to have been one long crazy roller coaster ride. For those of you that check Blogger only and not my main site, there's been plenty of changes to my life. I have a new job and it is draining all of my energy and severly cutting into my updates. For those of you linking from The Loneliest page, thanks for stopping by, this is an archive of my older writings, not all of which are amazing, but more than enough are. I post randomly across three formats, my site, Blogger, and Myspace. I don't have a whole lot to say here, so take the hint and drop by

Billy Bo Jenkins

Original date: 11-1-2005 Staring in the mirror was a face Billy Bo Jenkins didn't recognize. It was buck toothed with a lazy eye and a tuft of red hair on top of an otherwise oily head. The lined face showed the stress and age of an old man, but this couldn't be...he was just a nine year old girl. Sure her mom was inbred, but they all said she'd dodged the bullet. She had all fifteen teeth and a third buttock just like a normal girl. Why old Jimmy had been after her since the day he laid those misshapen eyes on her.But none of that mattered now, she was a he. His uncle was really his mother and a terrible dresser at that. No one ever said puberty would be like this. What would he do for the ho down later this week? Even Jimmy wouldn't take him like this...(this is called dramatic build up)...what would Papa say? be continued


Original date: 11-14-2005 Well, Billy Bo never made it to that square dance. On the way there she/he was picked up by some trucker that went by the handle of "Russell", poor thing was never heard from again. The town didn't think much of it, they were going to lynch the abomination next Tuesday after their Heaven's Gate meeting. Some things in this world just weren't right. I mean birthing a child with and arm growing out of its forehead is one thing, but changing sexes in one night? Not in their county.So I'm finally 21 and I'm not seeing what the commotion is all about. Just another year tacked on to something phenomenal but we're not sure why yet. But there is something about having a restaurant full of people singing to you that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. Like in the darkest of hearts there is a desire to be the center of attention, even if it's only 23 seconds long. Nothing really grand, but enough. I just wish they hadn

My car literally blew up last night.

Original date: 1-12-2006 Oh irony, what would I do without you? After waiting a gruesome two weeks for the proper parts (callipers and brake pads) on my car to come in, Stephen and I finally repaired it at 7pm last night. I decided to let him drive so he could determine if in fact our troubles were finally over. They were far from it. I followed him in my grandmother's car wanting nothing more than to be back home in my bed. The day had been beautiful and my good mood was growing by the minute as my car appeared to be finally fixed. Five miles out of town my heart sank as I saw the car backfire and sparks, then flames began to shoot from the tail end. I flashed the lights and honked the horn in a desperate attempt to get Stephen to pull over. In 30 seconds he was out of the car and running back to mine. I threw it in reverse as he called 911. Then we sat an agonizing 20 minutes waiting for the fire department to arrive and in the meantime watching his tools and my car tu

Something spooky

Original date: 1-16-2006 Well a delightful Monday afternoon to all. This eve finds me in a delightfully nostalgic mood. Now I must find somewhere to go to celebrate this rare occasion. This weekend passed by with hardly any notice, ending up with me sitting around on my lazy bum. I have noticed though that the sky has been filled with amazing vanilla skies and dusks of lavaendar. The night is especially pleasing as well seeing how it is perfectly clear with a full orange moon. A few clouds hang overhead with a hazy backlight giving everything a dreamy feel. I would let myself slip in and out of consciousness to amplify the effect thus making it feel as though I was losing myself and not knowing where I was. Very surreal, I strongly suggest everyone give it a try. Somewhere spooky, that is where we shall go. But where still remains the larger question. There isn't much short of haunted cemetaries and Chicago. If only he was 21, we could visit the pool hall, there's


Original date: 1-19-2006 Something new, something new...Life falls apart and your left smelling like snuffed cigarettes. I'm killing myself with jobs and attempting to get my truck in reasonably working order but I've forgotten what poor shape I left it in. We'll really test it this weekend, maybe I'll end up blowing up another vehicle. I'm left falling to a plague that I can only accept as a guilty pleasure. Everything is changing and the only thing that I find constant is my love. Well, for my gf and Dante. The adorable bearded dragon that has mysteriously captured my heart. He'll never say it, but I know the three armed bandit loves me too. Going about on his adventures through the house. Taking leaps of faith and eating renegade crickets. He lives up to the classic poet's name in every regard. Time for a shave as Grizzly Adams won't work, something about the bears being too intimidated to wrestle with me. So again I slip into the smooth

Rugged beards.

Original date: 12-2-2005 Well, it's official. With the start of my Grizzly Adams beard, I have started my training for bear wrastling. Come this spring I will take on any and all bears that challenge me. Not really, it'll just be the one 900lb brown bear. Nevertheless, it will be a daunting task that I can only perform in the ceremonial Lumberjack garb of my ancestors. Come to think of it, there were no lumberjacks in my family, but I can always be the first and start a new tradition. As more details and free time come to me, I will keep you up to date on this event of monstrous proportions. It's snowing again and I'm getting a cold. Sneezing into my very rugged beard is starting to get old. So I think it's time that we all cozy up with someone we love or possibly the hobo down the street and enjoy fuzzy sweaters and some hot chocolate. Or you could just turn up the heat in your home and curl up with a body pillow. But be warned, once I can teach my racc

Reach out

Original date: 1-25-2006 Something something is what we need. It's cold and I need a bathroom, this place is boring as ever. It snowed one Hell of a blizzard and somehow I managed to drive through it after only going off the road twice. I miss the days of my youth though they were only two years ago. Reckless abandon with not a care in the world. The bizarre expressions in Chicago, the city that I love, the warm summer days blessing my checks with their cool breeze. I miss that sense of self so much, there were so many fun days ahead of me. But remember kids, one failing grade can end it all and leave you with a mountain of debt without a degree. This seems like an ode to Peter Pan, but I ask myself why do we make life harder than it should be? We're here for only so long, why don't we enjoy it and make it better for others. Instead we develop bleeding ulcers about trivial matters that will be forgotten within a year. That is why I've made such a spectacle.

The three armed bandit

Original date: 2-1-2006 The three armed bandit sits in the shade, curious for such a little one. He looks around with his hungry stomach, waiting for the hunt to begin. The hunt is still far off, we're not even sure if it will begin today. He looks on with his tiny reptilian eyes. I wonder what lurks behind them, is he capable of feeling all that we can? I know he can display affection as he nuzzles when he's sleepy and desires to be around us at all times. His comical leaps towards the glass in an attempt to escape provides humor until we feel bad enough to let him out. I love him, something new for anything without hair, and in his tiny heart, I'm sure he loves me too. I'm taken by him and his discovery of new things. Watching him stare out the window with such fascination, it's amazing. I stand in awe of such a tiny lizard. So here's to you Dante.

Another return

Original date: 2-16-2006 I'm finally back in this oh so lovely state after a month of exile. Not really exile as much as stranded by my truck which, like all of my other vehicles, refuses to run properly. I think it's time to accept the fact that I will never have a cooperative car. The drive back was a dull three hour sort of endurance test. The suspension in the rear is broken and sits on the frame so it's technically a death trap but we're still holding hope for the money to fix it. Another week or so and then I can strap those boosters into the back. I came "home" to a delightful stack of mail and a very messy house. Sensing my sister's pain at Ryan being gone, I took to helping her out and surprising her with a very lovely clean home and a made bed. It exhausted me and my stomach was rumbling so pizza was in order. Typical, but quick and soon my gluttonous urges were filled. I spent the evening in hysterical laughter as I caught up with tho

Gah, morning

Original date: 3-1-2006 Seven am is not a holy hour. Life moves along at a crawl and everything is cold and bleak. The morning screams at you with an icy voice. To stay protected under your blankets is instinct, but your tired mind reminds you that there is much work to be done today. An early start some would call this, others a late one, I hope not to do again. It's not that I'm particularly lazy, if I wake up later than nine I'm quite agitated as well. Maybe because it's winter and I'm not too motivated during the early hours. I'm not a morning person at all, everyone knows this. I'm a grouchy pain in the ass until I've eaten and showered. Just like you wouldn't poke a bear, don't mess with me in the morning. After the food and cleaning I'll be right as rain though. All I ask is that my basic desires be met before you harass me. Because of my reluctance to greet the world I usually find myself rushed in these wee

My abstract painting

Original date: 3-14-2006 Typing and typing, trying to find the words that belong to entertain ten people and I don't think that you'd believe me that there's something to this but my mind is turned into a blank and the sentence crashes then starts to burn. You could tell from the quivering hands if only you could see them that they desperately want to get something out that my brain is frantically trying to make coherent and this abstract painting is dying and drying. It's becoming more and more apparent as the brush strokes become fewer and fewer until inspiration hits and slothfulness takes over and the idea dies. You can see that there is more of a void and less of a hole as it's consumed and left for the vultures in that bleak state of stupidity. There's a few scrabbles of words on an otherwise blank page and in the two minutes it would take to cover this I would ramble on for an eternity that no one would understand as the song on repeat keeps me writ


Original date: 4-6-2005 Once again, very much as always sweethearts, I am at a loss for words. What do i say that will keep you oh so happy and entertained? First off, two very dear friends of mine were in a serious car accident. Thank you all for the support you've shown. It is truly appreciated. Haha, City of Heroes is back up thanks to my dear old droogie Ry. Maybe up for a bit of the patchywatch? Who knows what will happen? Uncertain the future is. I picked up my new bass the other day, lovelies, it is a thing of beauty. Tired and overworked, you hear me going boohoohoo. But there has been a clamoring and demand for the site to be updated. So updated it shall be. First first, the band is a flop. So if anyone out there needs a bassist or guitarist, I'm more than willing. We're just looking for something new darlings. The weather is turning something amazing, windows are open and light is flowing in. My lil sis and Ryan are to be wed in August. Right af

I can't think of it.

Original date: 4-18-2005 It was the same haphazard crap thrown on the site with no real rhyme or reason. God only knows what I'll put on here. There really hasn't been a theme yet and I doubt there will be for awhile. My mood changes too much and I have no idea. After all I'm just a wooden boy with the personality of doorknob. It's like saying "You're pretty, you should wear make-up." to that girl that you don't quite like. Or catching a skateboard to the face because you're bored. Does everything need a point? What happened to that senseless fun and reckless abandon? It fell away to the fear. The members of the church that insist everything has a meaning. They act like they've never done something just for the sake of doing it. Sure we have to grow up, but do we have to be stiff bastards about it? You grow up and get pissed off at the world? What's the point then, you self-serving hypocrite? Sanctimony, that's all it i

Energetic Love

Original date: 4-27-2005 I'm so bored but very full of love. Maybe some fresh air is what we need. The demands for updates grow, so many thanks again to those that frequent my modest site. We need a band, it's all going to waste. So much talent, sitting on it's rear. Hmmm, we're shooting a video now, so I guess that expands 13's capabilities. Now my sister will have the greatest senior video in the world! When it's finished, we'll be sure to have it on the site for your viewing pleasure. Suddenly! There's a new desire for work on the site! How much more can I put on here?!? Lots more they say. Lots more. Finally the wallpapers are up, very sorry for the delay on those. Keep trying to make this format easier to navigate, mail me if you have any suggestions. Be sure to check out the art section, there have been a few additions and a new setup. Really not to much left to say. Take care lovelies.

The boy

Original date: 5-10-2005 The boy sits there thinking, looking at his ceiling, wondering if she's gonna call. That pale yellow light used to give that sense of warmth he was always longing for, but now the bulb wants to shatter like his heart. It never rains anymore, he doesn't care. It's that hot muggy night, the one where you lie naked on cool sheets. He remembers her face and voice, but wonders if the heat is clouding his memory. Some things he can't remember quite clearly, some things he wishes he could forget. The girl came in so fast, like a sudden storm on a small town. She left him no room, wanted all of him. But quick as she came, she was gone again, leaving a mess of him once more. You could say he loved her, was in love with her. But then again you could say a lot of things about the boy. Didn't really matter if it was all true or not, it still kept the folks in town talkin. They were gonna get married, in that big cathedral on the hill. It

This is where the magic happens

Original date: 5-1-2006 This is where the magic happens, this is where it all begins. This is where is started, this won't be where it ends. Like a dream that never fades, listen listen, it will happen. It won't die, for it is the phoenix and it's brought back to life each time. Alone no more, we live in the same light of hope. Colored an emerald green, the Angels will sing when they fall from the Heavens above. So who will follow? I'm left with an inspiration, a dream, a hope for the future. I'm an asshole and you're all coming with me. There will be much more, damned be they who say "nay." I lie down at night, each time further in my mind and the mornings consuming me with images long since passed. What follows is a morning in disbelief and I look for God's grace to get me through. The embers have burned and turned into something more, so that when I lay tonight I will fall once more into that euphoria of lights and moving pictures.

The girl

Original date: 5-11-2005 She wasn't as silly as people would like to believe. In her world she was revered and the boy was mocked. She did him a service and honor by holding his hand on those lonesome nights. It's not like she didn't enjoy the boy, he was just an excuse to kill time. Friends are first, she always believed, boys just stay as play things. Sure, they'd had fun together, but it was no big thing to her, it never was. She was out in the warm night air, a soothing breeze gently blowing her perfect hair. The carnival was in town, so the girls abandoned their nightly rituals for the more macabre and uncommon fun. Filled with harlequins and prizes to be won, the carnival boasted its impressive light display, sure to draw in any passer-by. She wished it could never end, the crazed nights and cloudy mornings. She had everything a girl could want, she never went without. Looking skyward, she could count the stars, a very uncommon thing to her. Such thi

The church

Original date: 5-19-2005 The boy knew it wouldn’t make a difference. A date with the grave was all he had left. He was mistaken in thinking that hope could be his. Life only got worse. Sure, they would say he was weak and gave in, but then was no different from now. Everything was falling to ruins, thought the boy. He had thought about going somewhere new, to some place where they didn’t know his name. But he lacked the resources to do any such thing. And after what was done tonight, he would have no place to go but the grave.  The boy was quiet as always, he never wanted to let his plans get away from him. That night they were invited to the cathedral on the hill. It was a quiet, still night, the moon was full and lit the earth below with an eerie glow. It was the kind of night where you could see monsters appear out of the shadows. There was a slight breeze, one that kept the air stirred. Nothing was stale here; there was no chance for it to be, though everyone moved

No time passed.

Original date: 5-31-2005 It was such a happy feeling to be there. She was good they said, but he never grasped how good she really was.  It was like singing along down the freeway, just a very good feeling. The fireworks shot off overhead, the beautiful fire raining down. The sweat dripped out of every pore, the drunk stumbled to the gun slinger. It was the little boy and the girl in the cowboy outfits, playing ball down the hall. they were inseparable it seemed, sitting next to each other every chance they could. Billiards and winning darts with your eyes closed. Care free they were, not a worry in the world until the year was over. Small animals and break dance fighting, such strangeness, but everything would be alright. Tomorrow they would wake and walk hand in hand again.


Original date: 5-4-2005 The conversation died and she was lost to my blight. It was all dead from the word "go." No pep in the step or zip in the pip. It's like there's a fog over my tiny world. As if all those in it are waiting for something to happen, someone to come and make it better. Like an angel or a flying bear that shoots lasers out its eyes. Everything is getting stale and no one is crying, we're all just dying. We're rigged and stuck, let's go. Forget this world and not worry about where we're going, let's just go, you and I. Take me away from here. A pretty girl with a mean bass guitar. Psychotic by nature with a penchant for loving kisses on a pier. Balanced by a scared little boy with a power not his own. Very much like Fooly Cooly. But we could all use a little of that. Stretch your wings little ones, and do go play. Take the world, make it yours. It's obvious that we're not doing anything until then. I'

Temporary wounds.

Original date: 6-15-2005 crazed lustful desires and a revenge filled hatred for those that scorn you. It's going to go down and the care won't stay. Her eyes will be filled with sorrow as the shades are pulled shut. A sheet lowered to the floor and the bodies fade. She lost herself to the lies that it would all be OK. A girl in a snow white dress. Keeping his dying wish in mind, she took the book and ran. Her pain was all that mattered when the sky closed in and opened with its lightning filled storm. If she fell, there would be no one to pick her up, no one to hold her heart. She was wrapped in his coat, filled with the flowers of a quick death. White roses that littered the street, black taxis that went by all too quick. Gazing to the heavens, she could only see the skyscrapers that tore them apart. For this last night, she wanted to lie with him once more. Now that we're done with that, check out the art section that has been updated. Revenge is the best o

More relics.

Original date: 6-22-2005 The pen of an angry sinner is what I hold in my hand. Filled with both shame and pride I plummet to my end. I'm not afraid of my demise, I rush towards it with youthful joy. I wish I could see the smiles at my funeral. I wish I could feel the warm embraces, the joyful exchanges of my death. Drop my body in a casket or burn its damned existence. Crown my infernal existence and spurn my hate filled corpse. The mists of the afterlife cloud my vision. In one eye I can see the past, in the other, the present. It feels like I'm living a bad dream that I can't wake up from. Someone please wake me...make me feel something real. There's a white noise that constantly pounds my ears. It breaks my soul, keeps me locked down. With a halo of razor wire and shredded wings, I'll come to her in a dream. I'll hold her hand and ask her to come with me. We can run away, we can be happy. She'll always say "no." She'll sta

No words of wisdom.

Original date: 8-10-2005 I don't know why I'm doing this, no one reads this garbage anyways. Regardless, I received a letter from a rather warm and lovely individual who wanted to see this updated. So now I sit here, dog on the love seat, thinking desperately of what on earth I could write. I've learned of a story recently, one of such a warm and familiar topic it is a small delight to write about, love and death. There is a certain angel, an archangel even, who was given a large responsibility. Given command over a third of the angels, he would be a great leader in the times of revelation. Before hand, he is said to be the angel of divine judgement and vengeance. He is the fourth archangel, known as Uriel. Held in the same company as Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael, he was one of the Lord God's mightiest soldiers. As it would seem, after spending so much time with humans and coming to their aid as a divine protector, he longed to feel love the way mortals coul

Bloody Fucking Canadian Vampires

Original Date: 9-21-2005 Bloody fucking Canadian vampires. They just got in an arms shipment from the Canadian government in return for a rather unpleasant favor against the Finnish Yeti. It was with these new high-powered rifles that we were being hunted. Hunted for no reason other than the lust of blood.  The couple had arrived in town a week earlier, just starting off their honeymoon. It was to be a secluded break in the heavily forested mountains of northern Canada. They stayed in a small village that understood quite well the need for privacy, because everyone knows, tiny Canadian villages hold the best secrets. West of the village was the dark secret that loomed over their heads. It was a castle of the Nobility, a vampire refuge. Not one creature, be it animal or man, ventured half a mile close to that castle. Those that did, never returned.  Myself, I arrived just before the couple to investigate these rumored vampires. I'm what you would call a hunter of the