Billy Bo Jenkins

Original date: 11-1-2005

Staring in the mirror was a face Billy Bo Jenkins didn't recognize. It was buck toothed with a lazy eye and a tuft of red hair on top of an otherwise oily head. The lined face showed the stress and age of an old man, but this couldn't be...he was just a nine year old girl. Sure her mom was inbred, but they all said she'd dodged the bullet. She had all fifteen teeth and a third buttock just like a normal girl. Why old Jimmy had been after her since the day he laid those misshapen eyes on her.But none of that mattered now, she was a he. His uncle was really his mother and a terrible dresser at that. No one ever said puberty would be like this. What would he do for the ho down later this week? Even Jimmy wouldn't take him like this...(this is called dramatic build up)...what would Papa say? be continued


Original date: 11-14-2005

Well, Billy Bo never made it to that square dance. On the way there she/he was picked up by some trucker that went by the handle of "Russell", poor thing was never heard from again. The town didn't think much of it, they were going to lynch the abomination next Tuesday after their Heaven's Gate meeting. Some things in this world just weren't right. I mean birthing a child with and arm growing out of its forehead is one thing, but changing sexes in one night? Not in their county.So I'm finally 21 and I'm not seeing what the commotion is all about. Just another year tacked on to something phenomenal but we're not sure why yet. But there is something about having a restaurant full of people singing to you that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. Like in the darkest of hearts there is a desire to be the center of attention, even if it's only 23 seconds long. Nothing really grand, but enough. I just wish they hadn't surprised me as I was coming out of the rest room.

My car literally blew up last night.

Original date: 1-12-2006

Oh irony, what would I do without you? After waiting a gruesome two weeks for the proper parts (callipers and brake pads) on my car to come in, Stephen and I finally repaired it at 7pm last night. I decided to let him drive so he could determine if in fact our troubles were finally over. They were far from it. I followed him in my grandmother's car wanting nothing more than to be back home in my bed. The day had been beautiful and my good mood was growing by the minute as my car appeared to be finally fixed. Five miles out of town my heart sank as I saw the car backfire and sparks, then flames began to shoot from the tail end. I flashed the lights and honked the horn in a desperate attempt to get Stephen to pull over. In 30 seconds he was out of the car and running back to mine. I threw it in reverse as he called 911. Then we sat an agonizing 20 minutes waiting for the fire department to arrive and in the meantime watching his tools and my car turn into a raging inferno. There were two small pops as the tires blew out and then a boom and burst of flames as the gas tank finally exploded. The fire crept into the interior as the fire department finally arrived. Breaking out my windows they flooded my car with a mighty torrent of water. In 10 minutes everything was over and I was stunned. Luckily the callipers we had just put on had survived intact and I will be returning them tomorrow for a refund. The only other item to survive without noticeable damage was my Bible. It's funny how that works, no? As the tow truck was lifting the wreck that was my car, I received a message from my girlfriend saying how much fun she was having in Las Vegas and wishing that I could be with her. I guess that's how some things play out though.Speaking of my very lovely girlfriend, today is her birthday and it is killing me that I can't be with her. So here are my birthday wishes to you sweetheart. I love you and I hope your days are far better than mine.

Something spooky

Original date: 1-16-2006

Well a delightful Monday afternoon to all. This eve finds me in a delightfully nostalgic mood. Now I must find somewhere to go to celebrate this rare occasion. This weekend passed by with hardly any notice, ending up with me sitting around on my lazy bum. I have noticed though that the sky has been filled with amazing vanilla skies and dusks of lavaendar. The night is especially pleasing as well seeing how it is perfectly clear with a full orange moon. A few clouds hang overhead with a hazy backlight giving everything a dreamy feel. I would let myself slip in and out of consciousness to amplify the effect thus making it feel as though I was losing myself and not knowing where I was. Very surreal, I strongly suggest everyone give it a try. Somewhere spooky, that is where we shall go. But where still remains the larger question. There isn't much short of haunted cemetaries and Chicago. If only he was 21, we could visit the pool hall, there's usually all kinds of fun there. Slithering through the London fog he watched that fair maiden make her rounds in the dress she always wore. She pleased the local sod with her Heavenly smile and charm, but tonight she would know unearthly delights and pleasure. Taking her time from shop to shop she finally made her way home at the stroke of nine. Walking down the old cobblestone streets she felt her heart breaking and falling for reasons known only to her. The eve was silent and the stars shown brightly through the dense fog. Sneaking out of the shadows he wrapped around her and held her tight at the throat. A crimson smile and a breath of ecstasy was all she wore as she gazed lovingly into his eyes. Her dear lover had finally come back for her. Wearing that suit he always wore, the folds of their delicate clothing came together and enveloped them. She hid in his coat and listened to his faint heartbeat. Safe at last she would never leave him again. Together they slipped back into that fog and eternity.


Original date: 1-19-2006

Something new, something new...Life falls apart and your left smelling like snuffed cigarettes. I'm killing myself with jobs and attempting to get my truck in reasonably working order but I've forgotten what poor shape I left it in. We'll really test it this weekend, maybe I'll end up blowing up another vehicle. I'm left falling to a plague that I can only accept as a guilty pleasure. Everything is changing and the only thing that I find constant is my love. Well, for my gf and Dante. The adorable bearded dragon that has mysteriously captured my heart. He'll never say it, but I know the three armed bandit loves me too. Going about on his adventures through the house. Taking leaps of faith and eating renegade crickets. He lives up to the classic poet's name in every regard. Time for a shave as Grizzly Adams won't work, something about the bears being too intimidated to wrestle with me. So again I slip into the smooth face of my once rugged countenance. That and with people saying I resemble Lucifer, a vampire, and the undead maybe it's a good idea for social status that I not look so devastatingly handsome anymore. The only thing that can guide me now is my trusty Boba Fett watch.

Rugged beards.

Original date: 12-2-2005

Well, it's official. With the start of my Grizzly Adams beard, I have started my training for bear wrastling. Come this spring I will take on any and all bears that challenge me. Not really, it'll just be the one 900lb brown bear. Nevertheless, it will be a daunting task that I can only perform in the ceremonial Lumberjack garb of my ancestors. Come to think of it, there were no lumberjacks in my family, but I can always be the first and start a new tradition. As more details and free time come to me, I will keep you up to date on this event of monstrous proportions. It's snowing again and I'm getting a cold. Sneezing into my very rugged beard is starting to get old. So I think it's time that we all cozy up with someone we love or possibly the hobo down the street and enjoy fuzzy sweaters and some hot chocolate. Or you could just turn up the heat in your home and curl up with a body pillow. But be warned, once I can teach my raccoon how to pilfer, nothing will be safe. No worries though, it'll just be stuff like waffles and umbrellas. I'm way off topic here, back to, yes winter sucks for a variety of reasons: dry skin, runny noses, empty stomachs, dry eyes (oh how they burn!), and icy sidewalks. But oh how the frozen Reese's makes up for all of it. Take care lovelys.

Reach out

Original date: 1-25-2006

Something something is what we need. It's cold and I need a bathroom, this place is boring as ever. It snowed one Hell of a blizzard and somehow I managed to drive through it after only going off the road twice. I miss the days of my youth though they were only two years ago. Reckless abandon with not a care in the world. The bizarre expressions in Chicago, the city that I love, the warm summer days blessing my checks with their cool breeze. I miss that sense of self so much, there were so many fun days ahead of me. But remember kids, one failing grade can end it all and leave you with a mountain of debt without a degree. This seems like an ode to Peter Pan, but I ask myself why do we make life harder than it should be? We're here for only so long, why don't we enjoy it and make it better for others. Instead we develop bleeding ulcers about trivial matters that will be forgotten within a year. That is why I've made such a spectacle. If you're going to do something, be remembered for it. Lead the life that will inspire others when they read of your exploits. Have stories for your children and subsequently grandchildren. Think about it, what is the point in living this life if there is such a bleak outlook to it? Why not make it better and live it the way you want to? Responsibility you say. Why did you get that responsibility? Is it because that was the mature and grown up thing to do? Was it the same way when you got that job you hate? Stand up today and shout about it. Take control and make this life your own. And when you fall to your pillow tonight, will you be remembered for what you accomplished today?

The three armed bandit

Original date: 2-1-2006

The three armed bandit sits in the shade, curious for such a little one. He looks around with his hungry stomach, waiting for the hunt to begin. The hunt is still far off, we're not even sure if it will begin today. He looks on with his tiny reptilian eyes. I wonder what lurks behind them, is he capable of feeling all that we can? I know he can display affection as he nuzzles when he's sleepy and desires to be around us at all times. His comical leaps towards the glass in an attempt to escape provides humor until we feel bad enough to let him out. I love him, something new for anything without hair, and in his tiny heart, I'm sure he loves me too. I'm taken by him and his discovery of new things. Watching him stare out the window with such fascination, it's amazing. I stand in awe of such a tiny lizard. So here's to you Dante.

Another return

Original date: 2-16-2006

I'm finally back in this oh so lovely state after a month of exile. Not really exile as much as stranded by my truck which, like all of my other vehicles, refuses to run properly. I think it's time to accept the fact that I will never have a cooperative car. The drive back was a dull three hour sort of endurance test. The suspension in the rear is broken and sits on the frame so it's technically a death trap but we're still holding hope for the money to fix it. Another week or so and then I can strap those boosters into the back. I came "home" to a delightful stack of mail and a very messy house. Sensing my sister's pain at Ryan being gone, I took to helping her out and surprising her with a very lovely clean home and a made bed. It exhausted me and my stomach was rumbling so pizza was in order. Typical, but quick and soon my gluttonous urges were filled. I spent the evening in hysterical laughter as I caught up with those I had long held grudges with. I learned it doesn't pay to stay angry at someone for so long. Honestly, you forget why they were important to you in the first place. I hope to never make that mistake again. It was the first in a while I've stayed awake past two and it was an invigorating experience. Strangely, when I got home, I couldn't sleep. I spent hours in front of the TV wondering what else I could do with my time, but it was so late and soon I was fast asleep. This morning I found myself in that rush that I had long forgotten, I swear this place is terrible for that, but all is moving along. I was surprised with an astounding offer to go shopping for computer parts this weekend, up to $2000, so that has put me in quite the good mood. Updated quite a bit, we should all be happy now, take care lovelies.

Gah, morning

Original date: 3-1-2006

Seven am is not a holy hour. Life moves along at a crawl and everything is cold and bleak. The morning screams at you with an icy voice. To stay protected under your blankets is instinct, but your tired mind reminds you that there is much work to be done today. An early start some would call this, others a late one, I hope not to do again. It's not that I'm particularly lazy, if I wake up later than nine I'm quite agitated as well. Maybe because it's winter and I'm not too motivated during the early hours. I'm not a morning person at all, everyone knows this. I'm a grouchy pain in the ass until I've eaten and showered. Just like you wouldn't poke a bear, don't mess with me in the morning. After the food and cleaning I'll be right as rain though. All I ask is that my basic desires be met before you harass me. Because of my reluctance to greet the world I usually find myself rushed in these wee hours. Trying to find a solution to this but nothing has worked yet. I have the innate power to roll over and fall asleep immediately. I digress, today's start wasn't one I'd like to repeat. Six came far too quickly after having stayed up until one playing Soul Calibur. I rolled over after turning the alarm off and was promptly off to sleep again. 6:50 came and I began counting the minutes until I would have to drag myself out of bed. Well, drag isn't a proper verb here. My bed is easily three and a half feet off the ground. I rest on two precariously balanced mattresses. You have to line everything up before you gingerly place your feet on the ground. But those feet won't hit a semi warm carpet, no I have hardwood. Scuffed, hard, and creaky hardwood with a throw blanket covering most of the scars. My computer hums softly but offers no sympathy for me. I really need to get one of those hot chocolate machines that you see in gas stations. If I could roll over to press a button and receive that sweet nectar I guarantee my days would start far better. Nothing makes a sound during this hour, animals are asleep and most of the world slumbers on, except for you and your creaking floorboards. Breakfast found me with some cereal which was unusually spicy. I have a weak palette when it comes to food of this nature but none of the ingredients had changed, therefore, I could only reason that I'm becoming more sensitive and that's no fun. A quick shower that revitalized me and soon I was out the door. I never thought I would get this much out of a morning but it seems my intelligence and way with words is returning. I lie, I make more and more typos as the day goes by.

My abstract painting

Original date: 3-14-2006

Typing and typing, trying to find the words that belong to entertain ten people and I don't think that you'd believe me that there's something to this but my mind is turned into a blank and the sentence crashes then starts to burn. You could tell from the quivering hands if only you could see them that they desperately want to get something out that my brain is frantically trying to make coherent and this abstract painting is dying and drying. It's becoming more and more apparent as the brush strokes become fewer and fewer until inspiration hits and slothfulness takes over and the idea dies. You can see that there is more of a void and less of a hole as it's consumed and left for the vultures in that bleak state of stupidity. There's a few scrabbles of words on an otherwise blank page and in the two minutes it would take to cover this I would ramble on for an eternity that no one would understand as the song on repeat keeps me writing at a break neck speed that would otherwise be unheard of. This is my art, my way of expression, this is eternal. Somewhere in the future it will be found long after I've passed and my memory is turned to ash, this will be my requiem in your solitary existence. So give me something real, not just another abstract thought in the emptiness of plasma.


Original date: 4-6-2005

Once again, very much as always sweethearts, I am at a loss for words. What do i say that will keep you oh so happy and entertained? First off, two very dear friends of mine were in a serious car accident. Thank you all for the support you've shown. It is truly appreciated. Haha, City of Heroes is back up thanks to my dear old droogie Ry. Maybe up for a bit of the patchywatch? Who knows what will happen? Uncertain the future is. I picked up my new bass the other day, lovelies, it is a thing of beauty. Tired and overworked, you hear me going boohoohoo. But there has been a clamoring and demand for the site to be updated. So updated it shall be. First first, the band is a flop. So if anyone out there needs a bassist or guitarist, I'm more than willing. We're just looking for something new darlings. The weather is turning something amazing, windows are open and light is flowing in. My lil sis and Ryan are to be wed in August. Right after Danny and Missy are to be wed. What's with all the weddings? Feeling very left out, I am. Well, I'm out of spaces, so do take care lovelies.

I can't think of it.

Original date: 4-18-2005

It was the same haphazard crap thrown on the site with no real rhyme or reason. God only knows what I'll put on here. There really hasn't been a theme yet and I doubt there will be for awhile. My mood changes too much and I have no idea. After all I'm just a wooden boy with the personality of doorknob. It's like saying "You're pretty, you should wear make-up." to that girl that you don't quite like. Or catching a skateboard to the face because you're bored. Does everything need a point? What happened to that senseless fun and reckless abandon? It fell away to the fear. The members of the church that insist everything has a meaning. They act like they've never done something just for the sake of doing it. Sure we have to grow up, but do we have to be stiff bastards about it? You grow up and get pissed off at the world? What's the point then, you self-serving hypocrite? Sanctimony, that's all it is. There's no point, is there? It makes my blood boil just to think about it. Traitors, that's all they are. Accept things for once. The day draws near, the day draws near.

Energetic Love

Original date: 4-27-2005

I'm so bored but very full of love. Maybe some fresh air is what we need. The demands for updates grow, so many thanks again to those that frequent my modest site. We need a band, it's all going to waste. So much talent, sitting on it's rear. Hmmm, we're shooting a video now, so I guess that expands 13's capabilities. Now my sister will have the greatest senior video in the world! When it's finished, we'll be sure to have it on the site for your viewing pleasure. Suddenly! There's a new desire for work on the site! How much more can I put on here?!? Lots more they say. Lots more. Finally the wallpapers are up, very sorry for the delay on those. Keep trying to make this format easier to navigate, mail me if you have any suggestions. Be sure to check out the art section, there have been a few additions and a new setup. Really not to much left to say. Take care lovelies.

The boy

Original date: 5-10-2005

The boy sits there thinking, looking at his ceiling, wondering if she's gonna call. That pale yellow light used to give that sense of warmth he was always longing for, but now the bulb wants to shatter like his heart. It never rains anymore, he doesn't care. It's that hot muggy night, the one where you lie naked on cool sheets. He remembers her face and voice, but wonders if the heat is clouding his memory. Some things he can't remember quite clearly, some things he wishes he could forget. The girl came in so fast, like a sudden storm on a small town. She left him no room, wanted all of him. But quick as she came, she was gone again, leaving a mess of him once more. You could say he loved her, was in love with her. But then again you could say a lot of things about the boy. Didn't really matter if it was all true or not, it still kept the folks in town talkin. They were gonna get married, in that big cathedral on the hill. It was always perfect there, she would say. Birds chirpin and sun shinin on a barely cloudy day. Such things are no more, thinks the boy. Now if only that phone would ring.

This is where the magic happens

Original date: 5-1-2006

This is where the magic happens, this is where it all begins. This is where is started, this won't be where it ends. Like a dream that never fades, listen listen, it will happen. It won't die, for it is the phoenix and it's brought back to life each time. Alone no more, we live in the same light of hope. Colored an emerald green, the Angels will sing when they fall from the Heavens above. So who will follow? I'm left with an inspiration, a dream, a hope for the future. I'm an asshole and you're all coming with me. There will be much more, damned be they who say "nay." I lie down at night, each time further in my mind and the mornings consuming me with images long since passed. What follows is a morning in disbelief and I look for God's grace to get me through. The embers have burned and turned into something more, so that when I lay tonight I will fall once more into that euphoria of lights and moving pictures. The monsters are gone and have left a hole to be filled with these images. So who follows? Let it swallow you and the fever take hold cause this will be one hell of a trip sister. Spring is upon us and is quite fitting, children, as another sign of rebirth. The winter is behind and dying, decaying on the year's lap. So quickly take the banner, don't let it go unrecognized, and fall into this dream with me. The twilight will wrap us up as they drown in their lies and filth. It will be alright, despite what they say. Just watch the stars appear tonight and go to them. It's all real and you will see.

The girl

Original date: 5-11-2005

She wasn't as silly as people would like to believe. In her world she was revered and the boy was mocked. She did him a service and honor by holding his hand on those lonesome nights. It's not like she didn't enjoy the boy, he was just an excuse to kill time. Friends are first, she always believed, boys just stay as play things. Sure, they'd had fun together, but it was no big thing to her, it never was. She was out in the warm night air, a soothing breeze gently blowing her perfect hair. The carnival was in town, so the girls abandoned their nightly rituals for the more macabre and uncommon fun. Filled with harlequins and prizes to be won, the carnival boasted its impressive light display, sure to draw in any passer-by. She wished it could never end, the crazed nights and cloudy mornings. She had everything a girl could want, she never went without. Looking skyward, she could count the stars, a very uncommon thing to her. Such things went by beneath her, the task of pleasuring herself far more important. Though she would find herself sometimes wondering about the boy. Her disposal of him hadn't been as pleasant as she would have liked. But it was for the best, in a way, she was looking out for his best interest. It wasn't right, that was in the past. Still, she couldn't help but wonder what happened to the boy...

The church

Original date: 5-19-2005

The boy knew it wouldn’t make a difference. A date with the grave was all he had left. He was mistaken in thinking that hope could be his. Life only got worse. Sure, they would say he was weak and gave in, but then was no different from now. Everything was falling to ruins, thought the boy. He had thought about going somewhere new, to some place where they didn’t know his name. But he lacked the resources to do any such thing. And after what was done tonight, he would have no place to go but the grave.

 The boy was quiet as always, he never wanted to let his plans get away from him. That night they were invited to the cathedral on the hill. It was a quiet, still night, the moon was full and lit the earth below with an eerie glow. It was the kind of night where you could see monsters appear out of the shadows. There was a slight breeze, one that kept the air stirred. Nothing was stale here; there was no chance for it to be, though everyone moved in routine and slow sluggish movements. The church was all lit up on that lonely hill, the light from the candles inside spilled out onto the small graveyard on the corner.

 They filed into that deathly cold church, the girl had no idea what was going on. Far as she could tell, everyone in town had been invited. The church had been built hundreds of years ago, it was constructed to hold thousands. Their spots were in the old oak pews that adorned the center of that old stone cathedral. Everyone moved in at the same rate. Strangely her place wasn’t among the masses, she was to sit where the bishops would, off to the left of the podium. The girl thought it was only right that she have a place of honor. After all, the girl was the only one who would make it out of this pathetic town.

 Only an hour after the cards had told to meet, the township was settled in that worn sacred building.The candles flickered and danced across the audience, giving an otherwordly glow to all. Quiet as always, the boy walked to that podium in the front. All were shocked to see him, why would he have any place in the front? The boy always stuck to the back, where he belonged. Looking out to them, the boy gave his best grin. With a small gesture, he dropped a ominous velvet curtain. The audience looked to the front seeing only a handful of words.“No place for redemption. No place for resurrection.”

The candles tipped and the oil spilled, the crowd burst into flames. Arms spread wide, the boy looked on in glee. The girl screamed and she saw the horror before her. Everyone was ablaze and barred in. The massive oak doors that once seemed beautiful were now the things of nightmares. She couldn't believe the boy was capable of such a thing. He was too slow, too caring to want to hurt another life. Vengeance seemed beyond him. There was so much violence and pain here.

The boy had to ask himself if this was what he really wanted. Now wasn't the time to think of such things. After all, there was no place for redemption. They were dead or dying, the old church was in flames. The boy and the girl, they wouldn't be together, it simply wasn't meant to be.  By morning, nothing of that old church stood. Burnt skeletons littered the still smoking ashes. It was a cold gray morning that left so much to be desired. Nothing could bring them back though. Now nothing made sense, and all doubted it would for a long time.

No time passed.

Original date: 5-31-2005

It was such a happy feeling to be there. She was good they said, but he never grasped how good she really was.  It was like singing along down the freeway, just a very good feeling. The fireworks shot off overhead, the beautiful fire raining down. The sweat dripped out of every pore, the drunk stumbled to the gun slinger. It was the little boy and the girl in the cowboy outfits, playing ball down the hall. they were inseparable it seemed, sitting next to each other every chance they could. Billiards and winning darts with your eyes closed. Care free they were, not a worry in the world until the year was over. Small animals and break dance fighting, such strangeness, but everything would be alright. Tomorrow they would wake and walk hand in hand again.


Original date: 5-4-2005

The conversation died and she was lost to my blight. It was all dead from the word "go." No pep in the step or zip in the pip. It's like there's a fog over my tiny world. As if all those in it are waiting for something to happen, someone to come and make it better. Like an angel or a flying bear that shoots lasers out its eyes. Everything is getting stale and no one is crying, we're all just dying. We're rigged and stuck, let's go. Forget this world and not worry about where we're going, let's just go, you and I. Take me away from here. A pretty girl with a mean bass guitar. Psychotic by nature with a penchant for loving kisses on a pier. Balanced by a scared little boy with a power not his own. Very much like Fooly Cooly. But we could all use a little of that. Stretch your wings little ones, and do go play. Take the world, make it yours. It's obvious that we're not doing anything until then. I'll meet you all there if you'll have me. Maybe the explosion of sound will shake the dust off our musty eyes. Energy is the key. Thank you.

Temporary wounds.

Original date: 6-15-2005

crazed lustful desires and a revenge filled hatred for those that scorn you. It's going to go down and the care won't stay. Her eyes will be filled with sorrow as the shades are pulled shut. A sheet lowered to the floor and the bodies fade. She lost herself to the lies that it would all be OK. A girl in a snow white dress. Keeping his dying wish in mind, she took the book and ran. Her pain was all that mattered when the sky closed in and opened with its lightning filled storm. If she fell, there would be no one to pick her up, no one to hold her heart. She was wrapped in his coat, filled with the flowers of a quick death. White roses that littered the street, black taxis that went by all too quick. Gazing to the heavens, she could only see the skyscrapers that tore them apart. For this last night, she wanted to lie with him once more. Now that we're done with that, check out the art section that has been updated. Revenge is the best of the bunch i think, but who knows. Without a doubt, this site is improving. Just keep coming and tell everyone that you know about it lovelies.

I'm gonna face plant it
see how long it takes me to black out
the mermaids will come
take another sailor's life
oh noa 30's incognito
don't need a life raft
my body's swelling up
she said DIE!
Don't you know where you're heading?
Into the underworld of hell
troubled water only held a coffin
dropped boats and tired souls
but I'm too scared to go in the deep end
the high divers all make me scream
so I'll stay on the beach
and build you a castle or two
I'll be there for you
...waiting on the beach

More relics.

Original date: 6-22-2005

The pen of an angry sinner is what I hold in my hand. Filled with both shame and pride I plummet to my end. I'm not afraid of my demise, I rush towards it with youthful joy. I wish I could see the smiles at my funeral. I wish I could feel the warm embraces, the joyful exchanges of my death. Drop my body in a casket or burn its damned existence. Crown my infernal existence and spurn my hate filled corpse. The mists of the afterlife cloud my vision. In one eye I can see the past, in the other, the present. It feels like I'm living a bad dream that I can't wake up from. Someone please wake me...make me feel something real. There's a white noise that constantly pounds my ears. It breaks my soul, keeps me locked down. With a halo of razor wire and shredded wings, I'll come to her in a dream. I'll hold her hand and ask her to come with me. We can run away, we can be happy. She'll always say "no." She'll stay with her family and friends, her light will fade from me once again. To keep her happy, I'll stay away. I love her and want her to be happy. Her happiness is my demise. I'll fall into the blackness of death for her. I'll do anything for her. One eye that sees the past. One eye that sees the present. It's all just a dream...What happens when you find what you were looking for? When you're at your happiest? You find that it isn't what you wanted at all, at least I did. Something I sacrificed so much for and pushed so hard to achieve. Oh well, some things just don't work in the end. I came to realize, though, that while the end result may be of great importance, it pales in comparison to the experience. This is something that everyone knows.  But what happens when the experience is more damaging than helpful? Would you erase the memory if you could? Could you erase the heartache? Or just the reason why? There are many things I regret, but there are more I wish I couldn't remember. I would have a spotless mind, nothing that would slow me down. Mentally, I would be perfect, in an odd perspective. But I'm sure I would carry all the guilt and pain, and without knowing why, it might be easier to carry. I wish I was a better person, that I could take it all away.My question to you is...would you take it all back? Do you regret this and all that has happened? These are stupid questions from an ignorant person, but I want to know. So I had to ask...

No words of wisdom.

Original date: 8-10-2005

I don't know why I'm doing this, no one reads this garbage anyways. Regardless, I received a letter from a rather warm and lovely individual who wanted to see this updated. So now I sit here, dog on the love seat, thinking desperately of what on earth I could write. I've learned of a story recently, one of such a warm and familiar topic it is a small delight to write about, love and death. There is a certain angel, an archangel even, who was given a large responsibility. Given command over a third of the angels, he would be a great leader in the times of revelation. Before hand, he is said to be the angel of divine judgement and vengeance. He is the fourth archangel, known as Uriel. Held in the same company as Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael, he was one of the Lord God's mightiest soldiers. As it would seem, after spending so much time with humans and coming to their aid as a divine protector, he longed to feel love the way mortals could. God could see the longing in Uriel's heart, the desire to feel love. So he released Uriel from his duties, for one lifetime. He would live 76 years, and in that time he would find his true love and have his request granted. Uriel would be born and forget who he was and what his purpose was to be. Growing up, he was always told how different he was, and how he would one day change the world. But so he grew, a normal boy.One fateful evening, he was introduced to his life's love. Bizarre were the circumstances that brought them together. They felt destined to be together, they knew it was to be so. Uriel had always suspected something to be amiss about his person. There were odd little things that he felt and saw. Just enough to know that he was different. His love knew how these questions burned through his being and found the answers to questions unasked. Uriel would fall in love and die happy, but when he returned home, he could not spend eternity with his love. He would return to his duties and dismiss much of his human life. It didn't seem fair though, to suffer through so much, only to have it taken away in paradise. He would find a way to stay with his family and wife. The answer lie in his death. He would have to relinquish his title and die as a human. He could never again serve his Lord the way he once did. But he gave it all up for love, he would go on to die for his betrothed. Not the words of wisdom I know you were looking for, but I'm not a wise man, I'm not even that bright. Enjoy yourself and continue for what it's worth.

Bloody Fucking Canadian Vampires

Original Date: 9-21-2005

Bloody fucking Canadian vampires. They just got in an arms shipment from the Canadian government in return for a rather unpleasant favor against the Finnish Yeti. It was with these new high-powered rifles that we were being hunted. Hunted for no reason other than the lust of blood.

 The couple had arrived in town a week earlier, just starting off their honeymoon. It was to be a secluded break in the heavily forested mountains of northern Canada. They stayed in a small village that understood quite well the need for privacy, because everyone knows, tiny Canadian villages hold the best secrets. West of the village was the dark secret that loomed over their heads. It was a castle of the Nobility, a vampire refuge. Not one creature, be it animal or man, ventured half a mile close to that castle. Those that did, never returned.

 Myself, I arrived just before the couple to investigate these rumored vampires. I'm what you would call a hunter of the supernatural. I had only seen them once before I was thrown in with their struggle. There was a misunderstanding involving the loss of a charm that protected the northern side of the village. Of course they were blamed and cast out of the village without a clue as to what was going on.

 It was in the woods that they ventured to close to the home of the Nobility.You could hear the howls of excitement rise into the crisp air as they caught sight of their next victims and gave chase. I quickly threw in my lot with this couple and made my way to the heart of the woods. Running parallel to the monsters I let loose a rapid series of shots from my handgun. It distracted them long enough for the couple to make it across a river. It would provide them a small measure of safety as vampires can't cross running water.

 I made my escape via another route across the same stream.Later that evening I found the couple huddled underneath a giant dead tree. Wrapped in each other, they looked terrified. I walked towards them and introduced myself. Telling them I could help them, I proposed my plan of escape. Slowly they gained a sense of control and agreed whole heartily.

 Just as we were to make our escape the shrill cries of the vampires rose into the night air. They would not be stopped tonight. We took off into the woods towards another village that was well equipped to handle the vampire menace.We ran for all we were worth, the Hell spawn quickly closing the distance. There would be no way that we could make it, not without another distraction. I had spent up all my ammunition the night before. My mind was racing through all my dying options. Then it hit me...

This wasn't how our vacation was supposed to end. We should have been on a plane home, or taking in the sun on some remote beach. Instead we were faced with the imminent death at the hands of vampires, creatures that shouldn't even exist. The man in the black coat said he could help, but it seems he only led us to a quicker death.

Oh baby, I'm so sorry.

 Her tear-stained face tells the tale of how I failed her, how I couldn't protect her. We keep going, running for our lives when the man in black isn't with us anymore. Son of a bitch is probably working for them. I look back and there he is, standing there waiting for them. He turns his head and gives me some half smile with a fiendish look on his face. In the next instant he's covered in the vampires, tearing for his throat.Not much later we made it to the village. They offered us sanctuary and made arrangements for our trip home.

 We wouldn't be here if not for that man in the black coat. I would have named my son after him, if only he had told us his name. Either way, he has our lives and a place among the stories for our grandchildren.