To My Son

I loved Halloween.  It was always my favorite holiday.  For as long as I can remember, I've always looked forward to all things ghoulish.  Dressing up and trick or treating in the dark of night, decorating the house, the general feeling of excitement in the air.  I loved every single minute of it.  From October 1st to the 31st, it was a non-stop celebration.  I don't feel that way any longer.  It's not because I don't want to.  Something changed.

Last year, I found out I was going to be a father.  It wasn't planned, but when I received the call confirming it...I was overjoyed.  I never would have imagined that I could be so happy.  Later that month, we went to the hospital and got the first ultrasound.  I also heard my child's heartbeat.  Over a year later, I can still clearly hear it.  Long had I been looking for a legacy, a purpose.  This tiny being was it.

Then in October I received a call.  My child was dead.  In that instant, my entire world shattered.  Nothing has ever been the same.  We went back to the doctor and had another ultrasound performed.  There was no heartbeat.  We went home, distraught.  A few days later, I woke up to crying.  Kim was in the bathroom.  I went in and saw something that I will never forget.  She was holding the tiny body of our unborn son.  He was only 14 weeks old.  Yet, he had many of his features.

I held my son for only a few hours.  We went back to the hospital where they took him.  We still don't know what happened.  What I do know is that any good that remained with me died with him.  He was the best part of me.  He contained all of my hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow.  That day left a void that will never be filled.

This month is the anniversary of when my son was lost.  It hurts just as much now as it did then.  I will never forget his tiny body that rested in the palm of my hand.  This is to you, my son.  I love you and I miss you dearly.

Jack Ryan Dawson