"Fuck Your PTSD" As Millions Of Americans Set Off Fireworks For Fourth Consecutive Day

Celebrate America by blowing up a chunk of it.

NAPERVILLE, IL. - Kyle Flannigan, self-proclaimed “fun uncle,” has arrived at his brother’s annual Fourth of July cookout with a host of illegal fireworks smuggled across the IL/WI border.

“I got some real doozies,” Flannigan said as he began unloading the trunk of his Toyota Corolla.

Despite concerns that the county has been experiencing a severe drought for the past 45 days and that many nearby lawns and fields are a potential tinderbox for fire, many, like Flannigan, choose to ignore the risks.

“Ah, it’ll be fine,” said Flannigan despite protests from several family members. “ I’ve got the hose run just in case one of these babies goes a little squirrely.”

“I really wish he would stop bringing these things,” said another guest that wished to remain anonymous. “We live in a relatively quiet neighborhood and I don’t want to be one of those neighbors that is making a lot of noise and shooting stuff off until two in the morning.”

Indeed, with this year’s Fourth of July celebrations falling on a Tuesday, millions across the nation have been lighting fireworks since the previous Friday evening. This has had a severe impact on the quality of life for not only pet owners but also many veterans who suffer from PTSD. According to a study by Cohen Veterans Bioscience, 10-20% (300,000) of veterans that served in Afghanistan or Iraq suffer from PTSD.

“Buncha fuckin’ snowflakes,” claims Arnold Taylor of the Naperville PD. “Yeah, we get a lot of calls about people setting off fireworks around the Fourth and most of us don’t even bother rolling. What kind of soldier can’t stand a few fireworks celebrating our freedom? A fucking commie one, that’s what. It makes me glad my taxes aren’t going to support those pussies once they’re out of the service. That kind of shit just promotes socialism and keeps people lazy.”

Hours before the sun was even beginning to set in this Chicago suburb, one could hear muffled booms and sizzles as fireworks were launched from multiple backyards. Onlookers stood on dried brown lawns, grilled foods in hand, as they looked skyward for a light show that wouldn’t be discernable in the afternoon light.

At press time, Kyle Flannigan was seen duct-taping several larger fireworks together for something he claimed “would blow yer tits off.”